number: cable television

Yesterday I learned what it would be like to have cable television.

I'm gonna take a moment to answer your mental questions:

• Nope, we sure don't have cable.
• Yes, I kinda wish we did- primarily for two channels- Food Network and Lifetime so I can watch Project Runway. Cooper doesn't seem to think that it's "worth it". Whatever.

Okay, enough question and answers!

So, let's get to how I learned this very important lesson.

Cooper does some side work for this doctor-friend of his in a nearby town.

He had to do some of that said work yesterday, on a Saturday, mind you.

Cooper and I didn't really see each other much this week.

So, I thought, "We should spend time together. I'll go. At least I can talk to him while he works."

Uhhh...

Apparently I forgot that I knew my husband.

Let me tell you how this usually goes:

Cooper turns in to a tornado whirling around and thrashing about in concentration and productiveness when he is focused.

I'm not lying when I say it like watching a large spider build his delicate, strong and fragile web on turbo speed whenever he gets going.

No one can get his attention.

He does not respond to questions.

The entire universe ceases to exist whenever Cooper has a job to do.

So, that left me in the kitchen of the office watching television

all.day.long.

Initially it was fine.

Mike Rowe and I were having a fantastic time- I chuckled a time or two at his semi-witty comments.

After about the first 2 hours of this I became bored.

I needed a different channel of stimulation.

So, I turned to Lifetime.

I watched a trashy, highly emotional movie about some guy who faked his death and then conned some woman into marrying him.

*From this I learned to ask the man you are about to marry some key questions- like if he comes home from a trip with $20,000 and it is wet and he says that he found it at the bottom of a lake- don't believe him. These are lies, people. Lies.*

This is when I started getting nutty.

My brain function began moving slower and slower.

I started laughing at everything Mike Rowe said.

I started enjoying another ridiculous Lifetime movie- as in I wanted to watch it.

I started to believe that I was on television.

That I was the center of this boxed universe.

Then I got irritable.

I started whining and snapping at Cooper to hurry up.

I was tired.

I wanted to go home.

I turned into a too much television watching, cranky, self-absorbed, ridiculously loud, obnoxious woman with only half a brain to try to function on.

*In all seriousness I started slurring my speech.*

So, yesterday is the day I learned that I do not want cable television.

I can go over to other people's houses to watch my shows if need be.

TV Laura is not a Laura I want other people to ever come in contact with.

It was bad, people. Cooper had to tell me several times to get over myself.

So, may this be a lesson to all of you...

Refrain from sitting in front of the television all day.

You will lose brain cells and all sanity.

And you will begin to think that the world around you is some kind of animated full-length feature.

Save yourself. Don't do what I did.

You'll be glad you did.

...until next time...