number: the story of us

About a month ago I entered a contest on a website for free holiday gift cards.

I did not win. *Aw, Man!*

However, the rules of entering were that you had to write your romantic story.

I thought you guys would find this enjoyable.

Even if you don't, please don't tell me.

My narcissism really can't handle it today.

So, here is mine and Cooper's story by me.

bon appetite to the soul:

My father was an electrical engineer prior to retiring. In 1989, when I was four, he landed a job with a company. This took us to Augusta, Georgia for a time. The man who hired my father was a gracious and fair boss to my dad. This man had a wife and two boys- the oldest whom was four years older than I. Our families became friends, went to church together, and frequented the local Olive Garden whenever we had the chance. I vaguely remember the feeling of intimidation of this man's older son-after all, he was a "big kid" and I was just a little tiny thing.

We lived in Augusta for a brief period and eventually both my family and this man's family moved away. However, our families always kept in touch via Christmas cards. Year after year I watched as this man's older son grew and how handsome he was becoming. I distinctly remember standing in the kitchen with my mother the Christmas of my junior year of high school looking at this man's older son and saying, "Mom! Look at how cute this boy is- whoever ends up with him will be a lucky, lucky girl!!" However, high school boys quickly captured my attention and this man's son flitted away from my mind. Eventually, it was time for me to go to college. I chose a school in a state far from where my family was living. Little did I know, it was the same state that this man's oldest son was beginning medical school.

College truly was a wonderful time. I dated here and I dated there. I always wanted these heres and theres to be the relationship to last me a lifetime, but they were not. I believe I was too immature, too eager, and too desperate for these things to work out. The April of my junior year in college I received a telephone call from my mother. She told me that this man and his family were moving just up the street from where my family was living. My mother then told me that this man's son was in medical school- just 45 minutes away from my college. Then she informed me that this man's wife and my mother had already planned this man's son and mine's future love for each other. I told her she was crazy. "This man's son?!" I said, "Mom, give it a break." However, mothers do have a way of knowing best, don't they?

I kept on with my life for another few months. In fact, I dated a here and there that really seemed like he was going to be it. I had just started dating this here and there when I received another phone call from my mother the beginning of my fall semester senior year, "Daughter, this man's wife is in that town 45 minutes away right now, and she wants you to have dinner with them- she will be calling you in about 5 minutes. Bye!" She hung up. I was stunned. "But what about here and there?!" I thought. Then my phone rang. This man's wife asked me to dinner with her and this man's son. How could I refuse without being rude? I had to go. My roommates thought this was the most ridiculously hilarious thing they had ever heard of. They were laughing at my expense- "A blind date with his MOM?!" And that was exactly what it was.

I drove the 45 minutes. I got out of my car to see this man's wife beaming at me- thoughts of me being her daughter-in-law were dancing through her head. I braced myself for the awkward moment when I met this man's son...and then I saw him. He was even more handsome than the Christmas cards gave him credit. I was smitten. Here and there? There and here, who? The evening was lovely. I enjoyed myself. I went home happy. I went home content. Things I had never felt with any of the here and theres I had known. It was only about a week's time before this man's son called me asking me to go out...I wanted to say yes so badly...but the here and there kept me from doing what I wanted. I reluctantly refused to go out with this man's son. Needless to say, here and there and I broke it off soon after that. But this man's son didn't call me again...afterall, I had refused his request.

Finally, it was time for the longed for Christmas break. This man's son was there too- he was home on a break from medical school. I found a way to casually enter into conversation with him and inform him- ever so sneakily- that I was again single- ready for him to whisk me away and take me off into the sunset. Which he most definitely did. It was only one night before he asked me out again and I, this time, accepted. We dated for six months after our first date and were then engaged on July 8, 2007. We married exactly 11 months later on June 8, 2008.

As to date, the past year and a half have been the best days of my life. Christmas continues to be a wonderful time of year for many, but for me it is the time that I remember I got the best gift of all. And I was right about the girl who would end up with this man's son- I am a lucky, lucky girl!

...until next time...

number: i gave in

Well, today I will live a twenty-two hour day.

There will literally be only 22 hours in my day.

Why?

Because two hours of my life were wasted, WASTED I tell you.

On what? You might ask.

On TWILIGHT

Two hours I will never get back.

I got two hours older...for trashy Twilight.

You all, knowing my feelings on this, probably are asking,

"Twilight?! Why, Laura, WHY?!"

Well, here's how it happened:

My sister, a true-blue twilight guru begged me to watch this movie with her.

"Give it chance!" she said

"If you don't like it after you watch it I won't bug you about it any more, promise!"

So, I gave in.

Little sisters have a way of being annoyingly cute, stubborn, and irresistible...well, at least mine is...Anyhow, we put the movie in.

I went in thinking that this was going to be the worst movie I'd ever seen.

I probably was going to hate my life.

I've found that pessimism can actually make events/movies/experiences all the more enjoyable..because you set your expectations low. Therefore, you have a richer experience and find delight in ways you otherwise would not.

Alas, Twilight is an exception to this rule.

I did not hate it, mind you, but I found it altogether ridiculous, trashy, and not beneficial.

Here's why:

Edward compares Bella to heroin. Oh.My.Gosh. If a boy ever compares me to a drug I will ship him to some kind of rehab. Get out of my life, trashy boy.

The acting was sub-par. Actually, worse. I won't say any more on that. If you've watched it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't...let's just say that I laughed out loud in several scenes. *And by several I mean all but one.*

Bella and Edward look lustfully into one another's eyes too frequently and for durations of time that even married people should avoid. Laying in a field looking at each other and then Edward's skin sparkling? Give.Me.A.Break.

The one, and I mean ONE redeeming quality of this movie was Bella's annoying friend Jessica who had some semi-witty comments that accurately portrayed those of a teenage girl.

The movie ended and my sister looked at me and said,

"So, aren't you intrigued enough to read the books?!"

No. No, sweet, beautiful, darling sister.

I then received a lecture from her on why Twilight is really the best and that I was insane not to like it. My opinion was apparently flawed.

I continue my point: I lost two hours of my life.

And my sister did not accept that I did not like that movie.

That was the real tragedy.

On the positive side I had a lovely Christmas.

My family is wonderful.

I love spending time with them.

Also, watched 500 days of summer and loved it.

I did not waste an hour and a half on that one.

I'm just sayin'.

...until next time...

number: disgusting

Tomorrow I am co-hosting a Pampered Chef Party (yay!).

So, I have been cleaning, doing laundry, cooking, etc. today.

I have to admit, I am exhausted.

But, despite the fact that I am exhausted I just looked into my microwave just to check to see if it needed some cleaning.

This is what I saw:

Yes, disgusting.

I became horrified with the thought of someone opening up my microwave tomorrow and thinking, "Sick, this girl lives in a barn!"

I can't have the judgement placed upon me.

I immediately grabbed the Windex, my cleaner of choice in all situations just like on My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and starting hosing the sucker down.

My microwave is now clean.

So, you can come over whenever you like and look in my microwave.

I dare you.

...until next time...

number: tuesdays with marinara

Tuesday morning was the morning from a not so nice place.

Tuesday morning marked a significant memory for me.

And here's how:

Actually, I awoke still elated from meeting the Pioneer Woman.

I was happy! I couldn't wait to jump in the shower and get ready to go to work.

I then did my hair and make-up.

I was on time. No, I was early- something I am not very often.

Then these three characters walked in:

Here's what happened:

I walked into the kitchen in my bathrobe to get my clothes out of the dryer.

But then I thought, "Hey, why not get my food ready? Then I can get my clothes and be even earlier." I think this was Diablo speaking. He usually likes to say things like this when mornings are looking so high up you can see the heavens.

So, I open my pantry to get this breakfast of champions:

Only the bag was a bit more full at the time.

I greedily pulled out the cereal to put in its travel container only to knock over this:

I watched in slow motion as the 26-ounce jar of marinara spiraled out of control.

There it was just spinning while I watched dumbfounded and hung on to that giant bag of under-priced cereal...there it was...just a jar...floating in air...

Aaaaannnddd then it shattered into a million pieces on my lovely tile floor.

Needless to say, glass and marinara were everywhere.

Then this guy, Raleigh:

Decided it would be a good idea to lick the pieces of glass free of the marinara sauce.

I decided that instead of making the situation worse in having my dog die from insecurity about being tongueless I distracted him so he would get outside.

The distraction was only so-so in its effectiveness because in the meantime he started jumping and my robe was getting loose...the neighbors might have seen more than they wanted to...I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, now it was time to go back inside and use these:

I started to clean up the mess but then my bathrobe kept plunging itself into the pile of marinara sauce. What was I to do?!?

Yeah, you guessed it, I took off my bathrobe.

So, there I was looking like this:

In the middle of my kitchen cleaning up marinara and glass...attempting to avoid getting glass stuck in my foot but really always getting glass stuck in my foot, while Raleigh, my dog, is jumping up and hitting the back door of the house for me to let him in so I am hearing "BANG! BANG!" about every six seconds.

Then my phone rings. It's my carpool ride. I can't pick up the phone because I am cleaning up marinara off the floor, the cracks of the door, under the bag of dog food, I'm naked, and Raleigh is calling for my attention.

She went to work without me.

but don't hate her...I had a car at my disposal. I decided going green was overrated on Tuesdays.

Needless to say, it was a morning.

I felt like I was Alexander in the middle of his Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Maybe I really should move to Australia.

...until next time...

number: PW...The best day of my LIFE!!!

Yesterday brought a turn of events my friends.

Yesterday I met The Pioneer Woman.

It truly was a happy day.

I awoke with a spring in my step.

I mean it was the day I was going to meet Ree- my blogging best friend!

Please, let me have my moment. It doesn't have to be yours- I live in a different universe where celebrities know my name.

I got to Walmart- the cookbook signing destination- around 5:15 pm.

The book signing started around 6:00 pm when Ree arrived.

I met up with these ladies ^^ right about 5:30 pm.

Lauren is on the left. She and I went to college together and share many hilarious memories with each other. I love her. And she loves the Pioneer Woman just like I do. Needless to say we were ridiculous together. There might have been squealing and sweating involved.

View Lauren's blog here

Ok! Moving on...Melanie is on the right.

I adore Mel. She is one of my closest friends.

Her one flaw is that she does not really dream about Ree Drummond being her bffe.

Melanie doesn't write Ree's name over and over on the cover of her binder.

She doesn't write Ree + Mel = The Coolest Friends Ever on pieces of paper

So, some of you are thinking, "Um, Laura you are not cool. Melanie is cool." Ah! What?! ...You're so right...I think I'm still just a little fat girl inside.

So, our adventure continued as we waited for about an hour and a half til we got to this part right here:

Meeting Marlboro Man! This is Pioneer Woman's husband. He was very nice. He signed my cookbook. It was so fun- as you can tell, Lauren and I are geeking out right about now.

We waited for about another 15-30 minutes to meet this woman right here:

THE PIONEER WOMAN!

There are four things I want you to recognize:

1. The incredibly excited smile on my face- I'm like a kindergartener at recess

2. How gorgeous Ree is- isn't she just beautiful?

3. The Pumpkin Spice Cupcake I brought her from Cupcakes on Kavanaugh- the most delicious cupcakery in Little Rock

4. My skin. It's glowing. Why?! Because I am as pale as a ghost! People asked who Lauren and Melanie's formerly alive friend was. I am running to a tanning salon stat. Cooper, my dermatologist husband, is yelling how I'll end up his poster child for skin cancer. I put in my ear plugs and started running around singing, in which case he stopped to take a video.

I'm the next YouTube sensation.

It's always a party at the Keane house.

Well, folks, I'm back! Hope you're in for the ride!

...until next time...

number: YEEEEE!!!!!

I just met The Pioneer Woman

aka

Ree Drummond.

Let's all take a second to go, "YEEEEE!!!!" How excited am I?!

I just have to say, "It was so fun!"

I have linked over to The Pioneer Woman over there ----->

Check out her award-winning blog- yes, award-winning with a dash. You know you've gone big time when you have to use a dash between words to describe your blog.

I have much to say on this, but for now I must say that I am so glad I got to meet the woman who inspired this incredible blog. She truly is the blogging guru. Okay, not really, but she is very nice. I will explain more. Just know that this meeting involves a cookbook, loads of women, and two friends- one of whom I have barely seen since college.

Stick around my fine fellows and fair ladies! There is more to come.

...until next time...

number: 2 things

Two Things:

1. I totally stink at keeping promises about blogging more.

What's my deal?!

Sorry to you lovers of this blog.

2. Today's blog post is officially dedicated to: kids these days.

Now, I do not consider myself to be an oldie. Nor a goodie.

*I really hope no one calls me a goodie when I'm older. Goodies remind me of Girl Scout Cookies, Little Debbies, and well...Tasty Cakes. I can't imagine being referred to something that contains nothing but artery-clogging deliciousness as an elderly woman. What an insult. I mean, I bet my arteries probably will be clogged, but please don't remind me of it by my nickname- sheesh!*

But I must say that kids/teenagers are just different than my friends and I were whenever I was in high school- which was 6-10 years ago depending on the year you're counting. Wowza.

Okay, so the whole point of this is that I've noticed lately that because of texting teenagers cannot type correctly.

I have a family member who is a teenager.

One day I looked at his facebook page and his girlfriend had written,

"You sux at bak n :)"

Um, what?!

What's really so hard in writing "You suck at baking"?

If I were any older, I probably would not understand that sentence. *Luckily, I'm still somewhat "hip & with it."*

Did I really use that many more letters and was that much more grammatically correct so that you could not type such a sentence- as crass as it is?

Additionally, these youngsters seem only satisfied to respond to any question about their life or interest with, "I don't know." or "Whatever."

You don't know what happened at school? Are you taking drugs or are you just out of your mind? Whatever? You don't have a favorite food or you like all of them? These phrases, people...I need more detail!

I gotta say, children were just more respectful and decent in my day in age.

*Mom, stop rolling your eyes. I know we weren't, but let me have my fun, okay?! Gosh, you're always telling me what to do and treating me like a CHILD! Mom, I am no longer a baby! I can't wait to go to be an adult and do whatever I want!!*

Bless my parent's hearts. My younger sister followed suit right after I got shipped off to college.

I guess not too much has really changed. Sure kids are under more pressure than ever to do stuff they shouldn't do...but what is that?! Kids, just do what your auntie Laura says and just say no! That outta teach 'em. Anyway, I guess this post really is to say that although teenagers are expressing how ridiculous they are through texting here in 2009, I am sure that I was just as ridiculous when I was pubescent nut-case.

...until next time...

number: busy-ness

When I started this bloggin' thing I thought I would be super-blogger.

I would blog all the time.

I would share hilarious stories and you all would keel over in laughter...tears streaming down your face due to the elation and joy you felt in your heart.

And while I would like to believe we've had some of those times...we have definitely not had those times the past couple weeks.

And here's why:

I have become busy.

Busy with life.

I forgot how much activity the fall brings.

I am currently tired.

I am tired when I wake up.

I am tired when I am driving to work.

A friend-who shall remain nameless- recently confessed to me that she sometimes convinces herself to close one eye while she drives just so she can conserve a bit of energy.

I think I might start doing this. Reckless behavior is my middle name!

I am tired when I am driving home from work.

To sum this up: I am tired.

This really is just a post for me to explain my position of tired/busy-ness.

I am not saying this to make myself superior- people begin to compete whenever you say you're busy or tired. They say things like, "Oh, well you just can't understand how tired I am! Try having x y or z on your plate!" That's lame. Can't we just be tired together and watch new episodes of Glee, Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice?

Ummmm...I can hear you judging me. Whatever. Don't be jealous of the trashy-trash that I love!

So, I hope we can all still be friends.

I solemnly swear to blog at least once a week.

After all, we need to keep in touch.

We're like pen-pals.

Except this is kinda one-way.

Like a street.

Or a dysfunctional relationship. Like that of my relationship with Diet Coke. The DC just takes advantage of my vulnerability and dependence. What am I even saying?!

Hope you all have a great week! Happy October 1oth, y'all!

...until next time...

number: rabbit rabbit day

Rabbit Rabbit Day is coming up soon!

"What is rabbit rabbit day?!" you might ask.

I am just as enthused.

Well, rabbit rabbit day is the first day of the month.

I learned this on nickelodeon when I was at the wee little age of 7 or 8 years.

On the first day of the month you are supposed to wake up and say,

"Rabbit, Rabbit!"

for good luck to come for the month.

...I think...

Honestly, I really can't remember more than you're supposed to say

"Rabbit, Rabbit!"

So, this month, I challenge all of you to wake up and exclaim,

"RABBIT, RABBIT!"

This will probably scare the pants off anyone who is near you.

But, hey, for the sake of fun kick off your tight laced shoes and do a jig while sayin' this.

You might just end up on the news for acting like a crazy person!

And by all means...continue...and send me a link of a video of you doing this.

I want to see it.

You know...the word rabbit is a silly word. Saying the word rabbit over and over makes you kinda want to go nutty. Who came up with this english language?

Well, I guess some guy married some girl a long time ago and they couldn't talk to each other, but both had latin based languages and they came up with English.

I am digressing.

So, happy end of September, everyone!

I hope the next new month brings lots of luck and joy to your life.

...until next time...

number: where have all the followers gone?

Inevitably, I currently singing the tune,

"Where have all the cowboys gone?" by Paula Cole in my head with the new lyrics of

"Where have all the followers gone?!? Yippee aw, Yippee yay!"

*Yes, nutty is my middle name. You all have smart mouths! My momma, Pam, would definitely have a few kung fu tricks to show you if you started sassing her like that. believe me, i know.*

However, I am ever so serious when I say that mine is not the only blog that the followers are missing. There are missing persons on most of the blogspot.com blogs that I have checked!

*minus the snooty-tooty blogs who had theirs designed for them...whatever.*

Where is CSI:Miami when you need them?!

My followers are not here! They have disappeared.

Help us, Blogspot! Give us our followers back!

Missing persons, are you still reading?!

Is anybody out there?!

When will the universe be set right?!

*I lied. Melodramatic is actually my middle name.*

...until next time...

number: obsession

These guys are taking over my life!

They are everywhere!

I can't come into my house without seeing them!

What are these beings that are making me go to the nutty house?!?

They.are.gummy.bears.

You are probably thinking at this point that I am the one who is crazy about these critters.

Never!!! I cannot be me!

The one who is nuts-o about these delicious, soft, chewy treats is the man I call, "husband"

Gummy bears are his new "kick"

I am used to Cooper getting on kicks. He decides that some new thing is a good thing.

Then he decides that it's a great thing.

Then he decides that he cannot live without this thing.

He has currently decided that he may not, cannot, will not live without gummy bears.

Every time I go to the store he asks, "Will you please get me gummy bears?"

And I do.

The next time he says that he does not want me to buy them for various reasons. As soon as I walk in the door from the store he exclaims, "Did you get me gummy bears?!" I say no. After all, he told me not to. He then appears sad. So, I then walk back out the door and go to the grocery and get a 5 lb bag of gummy bears.

*That new show, "The Good Wife"- It's about me. Okay, not at all.*

That bag is usually gone within the next two days.

Cooper then goes to the store and buys another 5 lb bag of gummy bears to last him until the next time I go to the store.

We then start this three-ringed circus again.

I must say that Cooper looks as happy as a clam whenever I walk in and he's munching on a hand full of those gummy baby bears.

Although, gotta say, a little funny that gummy bears are a treat that humans like and real humans are a treat bears like. Ironic? I don't know. Atlantis Morissette completely ruined the definition of ironic for me.

Of course I have failed to mention that I am this way about Diet Coke.

Aren't we all this way about something?

So, what's your obsession?

...until next time...

post addendum: cooper just read this blog. he took one look at the picture and said, "Look at those gummy bears! They are obviously premium!" i know.

number: a couple housekeeping issues

Hello!

Some of you out there are saying,

"Whew, doggie! Where's that girl gone off to?!"

*That's a little much, huh?*

Sorry, my accent is back- Cooper and I went to visit our family for a week in Atlanta

It was a week full of food, family, and fun- not unlike these times

There will be stories and good times to be had by all in the near future, but for now I just have a couple of things to update you guys on:

1. Update on Cooper's birthday: I got the man his pants. He is happy. I also got him gummy bears- more to come on this later. Also- we are going to go to Cooper's favorite lake spot for a weekend get-a-way in the near future. So, thanks for responding to the poll and all your comments!

2. While I was home my mother tried to convince me that I should read Twilight. We all know how that went over.

3. Some of you have told me, either through your comments here or in person, that even though you have not read Twilight, you have read Harry Potter. Well, friends, gotta say, I have read Harry Potter too. AND I am re-reading them all right now! I'm sure I could make fun of Harry Potter...actually, I know I could...but I just will not! I love it far too much. Side story: As Cooper and I were pulling into our driveway last night he looked back at our 10-month-old boxer puppy who was sleeping soundly and said "You-Know-Who did well on the trip." I swear I thought he was talking about Voldemort. When I told Cooper this he threatened to send me straight to Azkaban with the dementors with the only hope of escape would be to get some advice from Sirius Black and fly away on Buckbeak. I did a little wiggle waggle wand trick. Cooper just looked at me. Then he said, "There's a reason you never got a letter from Hogwarts, Muggle." I glared at him, but cried inside.

Missed you guys! Have a great Monday.

...until next time...

number: the "tw"s of twhis tworld two

Twelcome back!

I know that the anticipation must have been terrible.

So, let's recap- and the recap is if you did not read yesterday's post, please read "number: the 'tw's of twhis tworld" before you read this post. This post will make much more sense if you have read its counterpart prior.

We good? Great! Let's get started.

Twilight.

The second issue in my life that is apparently cool, but I refuse to believe so.

My point may not be as drawn out as it was with Twitter, but my heart is still firmly set on not reading this book series.

For those of you living under a rock for the past year or two, Twilight is a book series about vampires, werewolves, and one girl named "Bella" who gets mixed up in their mess.

Some of you are probably thinking, "Uhh, I thought you haven't read Twilight"

Well, I haven't. I have friends who have.

They all tell me how much they love Twilight.

However, they all seem to have a complaint about the series, despite their deepest affections.

I hear things like this a lot:

"Bella is so annoying! I just can't even stand her"

"These books really aren't that well written, but I can't stop reading it"

"Some of it seems a little unrealistic."

Okay...a few comments in response to these comments:

Uhh...You are reading a book where the main character is annoying? Why?

I already have an addiction to trashy television and people magazine. No need to read these books too.

Okay. Um...is it just me or do vampires not exist? I'm just curious.

I've read a couple excerpts from the book. Because hey, with all the hype I thought, "What the heck, I might read this!"

But, nay. Nay I say.

Some of the language is a little on the over-the-top adjective side- if you don't believe me, please just read this excerpt:

"My eyes traced over his pale white features: the hard square of his jaw, the softer curve of his full lips—twisted up into a smile now, the straight line of his nose, the sharp angle of his cheekbones, the smooth marble span of his forehead—partially obscured by a tangle of rain-darkened bronze hair… " from Eclipse by Stephanie Myer I in no way wrote this.

Honestly...sounds like some romance novel. A romance novel for teenagers.

Listen people you don't have to agree with me.

All I'm sayin' is that Twilight appears to be a book that is written fairly, with a main character that is not only flawed but annoyingly flawed, with too many adjectives to speak of, and for drama-stricken teenagers mixed up in the agnst of love, hate, and gossiping behind their best friend's back.

Nay. Nay I say.

I am a naysayer.

Twilight, I will never love twhee.

Well, that ends this mini-series.

...until next time...

number: the "tw"s of twhis tworld

I consider myself to be a fairly with it gal.

I pride myself on having a pseudo good taste in fashion, music and all things truly cool.

This holds true in all areas of my life except for two:

Twitter

and

Twilight

I understand that these two subjects are of a huge phenomena around the world.

I know a lot of people that are into them.

Emotions fly high whenever people mention these two subjects.

There are just a few things that are, well, holdin' me back.

Let me explain my position on each of these...

To begin, let's start with Twitter.

Twitter is a program designed for anyone and everyone to know the most intimate details of your business. And when I say the most intimate...I mean things like:

"Out for a walk"

"Going to Lowe's"

"Sitting around watching television"

Okay, people, seriously?

You get a good-looking background on Twitter so that everything looks pretty when you say,

"I'm going to Lowe's"?!

I don't care if you're going to Lowe's! I don't care if you are going for a walk.

I.do.not.care.

Unless you are the best of the best of celebrities and you are about to go to a

"Creme de la Creme" event, as I put it, then I definitely do not want to know where you are going. And even if you are a celebrity, I can read about it in People. I don't need to follow you, Ashton Kutcher, CNN, or Ellen.

Please, keep it to yourself.

One of my friends tried to convince me to get Twitter because,

"It's another thing you get to check!"

Excuse me, dear friend, I love you very much.

But that is a lame excuse.

At this point in my life I have enough to check.

Or at least balance the checks that I have already written. *and bounced- yikes!*

Mom, Dad, that was a joke. I don't bounce checks.

Also, Twitter is designed to make people out to be birds.

You "tweet" your postings. The icon for Twitter is a bird.

Excuse me.

Birds are not people.

People are not birds.

And here's why:

1. Birds, unlike common belief and common terminology would have you believe, eat a lot of food in one day. They can afford to do this because they fly around a lot. On the flip side pigs do not eat a lot of food. They just eat sloppy food. And don't move around very rapidly to burn off the 10,000 calories they just ate

Birds: Polite, Skinny, Large Volume Eaters Pigs: Not so much

To me, most people seem to be more like pigs on that issue.

Although, I will give it to them, "Twitter" is a catchier name than "Swinner"

2. Birds are disgusting creatures that hold many germs and diseases.

Before swine flu it was bird flu.

I'm just sayin'.

3. Have you ever seen Alfred Hitchcock's, "The Birds"? Honestly, thought it was lame, but it adds to my point: You never know what those no portion control petri dishes are going to do. They just stand on lamp posts and stare at you with greed in their eyes.

Then they attack you for your hair to put in their nest.

Birds are aggressive animals.

Here in lies my point:

Until people start descending upon me from the power lines with great aggression and hatred in their eyes, food hanging out of their mouths, with thousands of parasites living on them, I will not consider people to be like birds.

Nor will I join Twitter for these said reasons.

There is much to say about Twilight, but I just realized how I have rambled on about Twitter.

Please stay tuned for tomorrow's post.

I would go on, I just don't want to overwhelm you.

I kinda like you guys.

After all you guys keep me from speaking to the empty void, known as

"You are a blogger with absolutely no followers"

So, thanks! See you tomorrow!

....until next time...

number: cable television

Yesterday I learned what it would be like to have cable television.

I'm gonna take a moment to answer your mental questions:

• Nope, we sure don't have cable.
• Yes, I kinda wish we did- primarily for two channels- Food Network and Lifetime so I can watch Project Runway. Cooper doesn't seem to think that it's "worth it". Whatever.

Okay, enough question and answers!

So, let's get to how I learned this very important lesson.

Cooper does some side work for this doctor-friend of his in a nearby town.

He had to do some of that said work yesterday, on a Saturday, mind you.

Cooper and I didn't really see each other much this week.

So, I thought, "We should spend time together. I'll go. At least I can talk to him while he works."

Uhhh...

Apparently I forgot that I knew my husband.

Let me tell you how this usually goes:

Cooper turns in to a tornado whirling around and thrashing about in concentration and productiveness when he is focused.

I'm not lying when I say it like watching a large spider build his delicate, strong and fragile web on turbo speed whenever he gets going.

No one can get his attention.

He does not respond to questions.

The entire universe ceases to exist whenever Cooper has a job to do.

So, that left me in the kitchen of the office watching television

all.day.long.

Initially it was fine.

Mike Rowe and I were having a fantastic time- I chuckled a time or two at his semi-witty comments.

After about the first 2 hours of this I became bored.

I needed a different channel of stimulation.

So, I turned to Lifetime.

I watched a trashy, highly emotional movie about some guy who faked his death and then conned some woman into marrying him.

*From this I learned to ask the man you are about to marry some key questions- like if he comes home from a trip with $20,000 and it is wet and he says that he found it at the bottom of a lake- don't believe him. These are lies, people. Lies.*

This is when I started getting nutty.

My brain function began moving slower and slower.

I started laughing at everything Mike Rowe said.

I started enjoying another ridiculous Lifetime movie- as in I wanted to watch it.

I started to believe that I was on television.

That I was the center of this boxed universe.

Then I got irritable.

I started whining and snapping at Cooper to hurry up.

I was tired.

I wanted to go home.

I turned into a too much television watching, cranky, self-absorbed, ridiculously loud, obnoxious woman with only half a brain to try to function on.

*In all seriousness I started slurring my speech.*

So, yesterday is the day I learned that I do not want cable television.

I can go over to other people's houses to watch my shows if need be.

TV Laura is not a Laura I want other people to ever come in contact with.

It was bad, people. Cooper had to tell me several times to get over myself.

So, may this be a lesson to all of you...

Refrain from sitting in front of the television all day.

You will lose brain cells and all sanity.

And you will begin to think that the world around you is some kind of animated full-length feature.

Save yourself. Don't do what I did.

You'll be glad you did.

...until next time...

number: firefly

I think that I'm becoming very sentimental these days.

Maybe it's because school is starting- and I'm not going back.

Maybe it is that fall is coming...I get pensive in the fall.

So, here's a pensive moment I've been having lately:

I've been thinking about the summers and how my sister and I used to travel to Shelbyville, TN

for a week every summer to visit our grandparents.

There we would fatten ourselves on s'mores poptarts, Graddaddy's sugar free ice cream bars, and sit on the couch watching wholesome television like "The Angry Beavers" and "Hey Dude" all while participating in minimal physical exertion- we were like two baby larva growing in size and laziness over a week's time.

*some of you smart mouths are thinking 'fat off sugar free stuff?! you guys must have been really fat!' I will smack that mouth! but seriously, you're right- we totally were. actually, not lindsay...just me. pictures of that to come in the near future*

Besides getting larger in our bellies and our sassiness, I also remember every night Granddaddy & Gradmother would hand us a mason jar with holes poked out in the top of it.

We would then run around the yard chasing any flickering light that passed us. This was to give us our "physical activity" for the day since we were two little lard buckets.

*One time Lindsay got really into it and chased a car down the road thinking it was a large firefly.

She's very pretty. Just not the brightest firefly if you get what I mean.*

I totally just lied. That never happened.

I love those memories. We would run around the yard hoping that maybe this time we would

catch enough fireflies to be our night light. Or maybe they could be our pets. Or maybe we

could keep them FOREVER!!!

*I know, shocker: my sister and I were dramatic children.*

Grandmother and Granddaddy would patiently explain to us that the fireflies would not make it in the jar. We had to set them free. So, we did.

Grandmother would always say things like, "Don't you want to let them free and see how pretty they are outside of the jar?"

Honestly, I did not.

I thought, "Hey lady, I just ran around the yard for this!"

*I told you, sassy.*

I wanted my fireflies in my jar.

But in actuality she was right, they were just as beautiful outside of the jar as they were inside of it.

I must say every time I see a firefly I think of my grandparents and Shelbyville.

The change of summer to fall does always make me a little sad and apprehensive.

Maybe it is because I am growing up and it is apparently obvious at this time of year.

Or maybe it is because I miss my grandparents terribly and the fireflies are a way I can still think of and love their memory.

I'm tellin' you guys...pensive...what will we do?!

But a little pensiveness never hurt anybody...right?

...until next time...